I've been feeling like this a lot lately. I am a planner. I like to schedule my activities (work, eating, sleep, events, etc.). I like to look at my planner and know that on May 7, I will be celebrating my birthday. I like to know that on April 29, I will be taking a career readiness test in order to complete my medical transcription diploma. I like to know that these things are planned and written down well in advance of when they will happen. Perhaps it's a comfort thing. It makes me feel secure having my schedule written somewhere. I don't like change. And maybe I think that if it's written down on paper, that things won't change.
But my entire life as I know it is pretty much in limbo right now. I'm still waiting to hear if I have been accepted into the nursing program or the respiratory therapy program. This wait has been stressful! I think about it every single day!
What if I get into the program, can't work as much, and Matthew loses his job? Or what if I get in, can't work as much, and we can't afford to pay our bills? What if I have to get my own insurance? What if I can't find a part time job to do while I'm going to school? What if I don't get into the program? What if I can't find a job with my medical transcription diploma? What if we can't keep saving money? What if our ac unit goes out? How will we pay for anything major?
These thoughts race through my head day and night. I have been waking up at night with my mind racing and my heart beating so fast, I'm pretty sure it's going to come right out of my chest! I have no control over this situation. Until I have that piece of paper in my hand telling me that I got into the program or that I didn't get into the program, I will not feel comfortable with my life. I just want to know yes or no so that I can go from there and make decisions that need to be made. I am not a last minute person and I feel like at the last minute I'm going to be deciding what to do with my life! I know that I shouldn't let all the what ifs bother me.
If you know anything about me, you know that I don't like to be wrong... ever. I'll admit, it's not a good way to be. But I come by it honestly! I feel like if I make a decision to go into a full time program at school that will not allow me to work as much, that I will be placing a financial burden on Matthew. Personally, I have a problem with Matthew being the sole provider. I know it works for some people, but it would not work for us. I am the one who pays the bills and budgets the money. If he was the one making all the money, I can see how an argument would start if I told him what to do with his money. And I feel that if I am making the decision to bring that financial burden into our lives, then I need to do something to help alleviate the financial pressure. I don't want to pull from savings. I want that money to stay where it is and to never leave!
I just want a definite yes or no. Maybe then I will feel like I've regained some control. I really have no control at all, I just want to feel that I do. I really hope those letters are being sent out soon, before I have a panic attack!