I had a really bad day yesterday. My parents and I went to a wedding for a girl and guy I went to high school with. I couldn't make Matthew go with me, even though he had nothing better to do! And as much as I wanted to go to the wedding, I really didn't want to go.
Over the last few months I have slowly separated myself from all of those "friends" I used to have. After the year of planning my wedding and none of them being there for me to talk to or help me or anything, I decided it was time to just stop allowing myself to be close to them since they continuously let me down. I struggled with making that decision, but I knew that it was the right one. It was easy to be okay with it when nothing really changes. They didn't call me before and they don't call me now. I didn't hang out with them before and I don't hang out with them now. A few of them don't live here anymore and the ones that do are consumed in their own things.
But seeing all of those people in one place, enjoying themselves, laughing and talking with each other, I just couldn't handle it. I know that it's wrong to be jealous of other people, but I am jealous of their friendships. Do you know what it feels like to not have any friends? I mean, I have my husband, but it's different. And he has his own friends. So I just feel kind of lonely. I don't know how to fix it other than finding new friends. That's something I haven't done since elementary school!
I went to the wedding and the reception. But I called Matthew to come get me, so I left before the couple ever got there. I cried off and on most of the afternoon and into the evening. I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy. I felt like the biggest loser on earth. I don't think I'm weird or annoying or anything like that at all. So what's my problem? Why can't I have a friend? I just want one!