Monday, November 8, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 8

Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like crap...

Well I wouldn't say they've made my whole life hell but they have treated me like crap on several occasions. It's also not one individual but several, so I will refrain from using names.

For as long as I can remember, I was never the popular kid in school. I wasn't necessarily an outcast either. I could float from click to click and be spoken to by all. I went to private school from first grade through twelfth grade. So I saw most of the same people for my entire school experience.

There were less than 15 girls in my class. Some were the dorky girls and some were the popular girls. Some were the good girls and some were the girls with boys oohing and ahhing over them constantly. Some were the sporty girls and some were the smart girls. Some were a perfect combination of smart, popular, good, and athletic. I was just awkward. I got glasses in sixth grade. I got braces the next year. I switched to contacts not long after. My mom would buy me ugly clothes because I was too tall and too fat for the girls' and juniors' clothing, but I was too short for the womens' clothing. And I wasn't fat, I just carried my weight well because of my height. And I actually had a normal sized butt and thighs. I was not skin and bones like all of the other girls. I did not wear makeup until twelfth grade because I didn't care about trying. I was not a girly girl. And I'm still not.

Anyway, over the years I felt as though I was left out a majority of the time by my friends. I was never outgoing. And I've always felt like people were talking about me behind my back. I didn't get invited to a lot of birthday parties. I didn't get invited to a lot of sleepovers. I didn't get asked out on any dates. I didn't have friends to hang out with on the weekends or after school. I rarely had friends go on vacations with me, and when they did some argument always came up between us. I didn't go to any Debuette dances until my senior presentation. So I missed out on 7 dances. This is because every boy I asked said no. I went to prom my senior year, but took my friend's cousin since nobody at school would go with me.

So it wasn't necessarily that people were flat out mean to me in the traditional ways of making fun of me or saying hateful things to me. It was more that I was just left out. And when you're in a class of less than 30 people that you've known most all of your life, it hurts to get left out. Since high school, things have only gotten worse. The people I was closest to have removed themselves even more from my life. And I have struggled to let go of those friendships. After my wedding, I had finally let go. Although I still get upset when I see all of the fun things they are doing together plastered all over facebook.

But it's okay. I've moved on.

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