Something I have to forgive myself for is making the decision to do school the non-traditional way.
I went to a private, Christian school for grades 1-12. I never knew anything other than that, and so it was very normal. The school had about 300 people total. It was pretty small. I had most of the same people in my class the entire time, and we were the biggest graduating class up to that point. 30 people graduated in 2006. I applied to several colleges and decided on North Carolina State University. I don't remember what made me choose that school over the others, but I lived in a dorm (technically off-campus and much nicer than the on-campus dorms) where 6 other people from my high school were also staying. I was in a suite with the other two girls.
I had been at school for about a month when my PaPa suffered a stroke and he passed two months later. I basically fell into a deep depression and stopped attending school without telling my family. I started over the next semester but it just didn't feel right. After the summer semester, I decided to do class online through Liberty University and to take filler courses at the local community college until I could eventually transfer to be back in regular courses at Liberty. I moved to Liberty in August 2008 with all intentions of staying on-campus for a semester, getting an apartment in the spring, and graduating a year after that. I was about three days into my stay when I decided to come home for the rest of the week. Although I had a lot of rules to follow at my high school, after being at NC State for that time and being on my own, rules were the last thing I wanted. Upon moving into the dorm at Liberty, I knew there were strict rules. But this was the week before school, and I had no clue there were required events for me to attend since I was technically a "new" student, despite the fact I'd been taking online classes for a couple of semesters. I wanted to sleep in and had no reason to attend these events. After all of the girls were throwing pillows at me and trying to wake me up, I was done. While everyone was gone, I packed my bags and I left. I went back a couple of days later with Matthew to get all of my things.
I have been doing online courses through Liberty ever since. I am not motivated to do them at all. Last summer, I started taking courses for Medical Transcription at the local community college, and I LOVE IT! I have to attend classes, but they are still at my own pace. But having to show up keeps me accountable for my work. I love what I am learning, I love the pace, and the fulfillment I get from it. But I don't get that from my schooling at Liberty. I know that it's a bachelor's degree and I need it and should want it, but I just don't have that desire for it.
I wish that I had stayed in school at NC State. I would have been done with school close to 2 years ago (because I had transferred enough college credits before starting there). And I can't help but think, where would I be now if I had stayed? What kind of job would I have? And would I have friends? Would I be more social and willing to go out and do things? Would I have a sense of pride that I accomplished something?
I have to forgive myself for making that decision, because deep down I believe that I did what was right for me at that point in my life. And I am proud of where I am now, married, own a house, etc. But I just worry that I have disappointed my family. And I sure haven't had much of a relationship with any of my friends since then. I wonder if they hold that against me. I hope not.